I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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