i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
