i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
