people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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