dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
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The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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