There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
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My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
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Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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