Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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