i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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