He disabled his match.com account in front of me
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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