i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
