My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
