last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
