finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
