I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
