Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
