I'm going to jail i love you
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
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