My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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