Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
