3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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