I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
