mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just pee around me
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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