I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
