I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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