I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
