After last night, I could never be a politician.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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