3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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