how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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