hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
