I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
