my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just high enough for therapy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize