chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
