He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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