after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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