Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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