Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
