last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
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Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
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She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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