She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
