dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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