I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I have demons in me.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Everyone says I win the strip club
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
