I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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