Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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