I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
