Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
