Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
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My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
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It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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