I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just want nice things and good sex
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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