yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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