I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
this just has baby written all over it
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
