yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
