Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
