i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
