ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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