I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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