I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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