One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
