1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he shaved USA in his pubs
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
