She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
