Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
