Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
