I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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