I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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