I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
