3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
