I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize