ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
