i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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