Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
