i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
