Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
