When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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